Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
