I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
