your parents love me but you hate me
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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