God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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