i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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