I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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