sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
