If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
