did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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