Porn is love you can see.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Randomize
