New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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