i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
