M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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