I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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