I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I woke up under a house in Key West
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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