im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
