I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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