The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
40s are totally the cure
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
