Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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