The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
