I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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