Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
