why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
