So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
