i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
