i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
