How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
