no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
