she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
