I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
