So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
