you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
