Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
