I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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