Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
