I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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