matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
