Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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