when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Randomize
