i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
