Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
