somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
