he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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