Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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