I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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