high people should be assigned attendants
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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