Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
