I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
