Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
