Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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