just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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