i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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